Through my eyes

I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before. You know? Wanting to be with that person as much as I can. Loving things about them, that i never even knew I liked. Like the way their eyes look as the sun hits them. Or the way they look at you and smile. Playing with your hair or just kissing you on the forehead. Things that I’ve never cared about suddenly seem so huge to me. And that thought is totally scary! 

How do you know if that person loves you back? How do you know if when they do those things its because they love you? Do they enjoy spending those moments with you as much as you do? I know that what i am feeling is overwhelming. It’s so different because i really care about them. I really want us to work out. I guess the scarier part is not knowing if they want that too. 

I know that since I’ve dated him I have not stopped thinking. Sometimes I think so much about what I am doing and if I made the right move. Should I have taken the easy way out? Would he have been okay with that? Or would that have caused him some pain? Is it bad that i want the answer to be yes? But most of all why is everything so difficult? Why can’t it just be simple!?Why couldn’t I have meant him when his life wasn’t so busy? Why did he ask me to be with him when he knows we won’t have time? 

Or the biggest fear that I will be the one who gets hurt and no one else. Honestly I do not know if I enjoy or hate all the mixed emotions. Don’t get me wrong I love all my crazy ups and downs. It give me something to write about it makes life less boring. But I don’t wanna feel like I am the only one feeling this way. I don’t wanna feel in the dark….. I just wanna know something! Anything! 

I use to think she was such a strong women. The kind that would do anything, the one who did what she had to. I use to look up to her and I use to love her with such a passion, that she couldn’t do wrong in my eyes. 

Funny how things just change. 

Everything changes eventually; never thought My feelings about her would. It’s like i had a film over my eyes and every time I looked things where just filtered out. I don’t understand how love can do that. I don’t understand how the love you can have for someone can be the same thing that brakes you up inside. 

I use to want to be like her. I use to like being by her side. but it’s like someone smacked these rose colored glasses off my face and now I don’t know what I am looking at. I really want to feel that passion again. I really wanna say that I love her just the same. 

Oh, but how things change….

But how i wish they would have just stayed the same….

The violinist

As I watched her play it was nothing like I ever seen. I wanted to memorize the moment forever. I wanted to know how she made things look easy, how when she played it was as if the trees dance with the melody. Her eyes closed as if she didn’t need to see because the music was already inside of her. It was imprinted in her heart; what gave her a soul. As I listen I fell in love I never knew music could feel so toxic. The trance was so overwhelming that I had to close my eyes, because if I didn’t I might miss a note. She played as if it was her only love. Like it was the first moment they had meant. So gentle barley touching, her fingers seeming to sway more than anything. It was as if this was her first time hearing music herself. And this is what made it all the more beautiful. I could have sat there forever I could have gotten lost in her melody. The trees even seem to want to get closer to hear. She turned to look outside the window and said nothing yet it was if she was calling out to the world. Hear me! Hear my sorrow, hear my beauty, and hear what I can never say.  Longing to be heard, she let the stings be her voice. And for this one moment in time she was heard by everyone

Fear is a funny thing. It can determine so much of what you do with you life. It can make you as a person and shape you into someone you never wanted to be. Sometimes fear is the biggest show stopper of all. I think what I am learning about it, is that you can’t always stop just because you’re scared. You can’t always expected someone to hold your hand through life. Sometimes you really need to do it alone. At some point you need to realize that if you do nothing, you get nothing. Fear is sometimes one step away from the the dreadful words, “what if.” Those words can cut you like a knife and be just as scary as any Steven king book. At some point you have to accept that you are scared but still go on. You’re not going to always do great things. But at least you did something. I think that it becomes clear when you step back from everything to look at what’s really stopping you. In the end sometimes it ends up being more of yourself then anyone else.

looking back

I guess looking back on things isn’t all that bad. I mean having the memories of all the good things that happened. All the smiles that where shared. Sometimes when you look back not everything turns into a big pillar of salt. I think what I am starting to realize, is that sometimes looking back on something isn’t bad at all, or a waste of time. It gives you that  needed chance to see yourself grow, to see how you got where you are. I’m looking back today and for some odd reason I know that I wouldn’t change anything about my past. All the mistakes, tears, They all followed the smiles and laughter. They all followed  the tight bonds that will never be broken. And I love that! it’s a great feeling. I wouldn’t trade it for the world! Sometimes things really do work out for the best, you just need to look back to see it. 

Take it all….

It’s funny how people forget all the things you do for them. How they take and take and they never stop to just take in all you do. To thank you,or to just realize that you do what you can because you care. You’re not hoping for some big reward at the end of the day. You just flat out really care for them. It’s so easy to take from people. But the next time you take realize how hard it is to sometimes give no matter how big or small. 

life

Sometimes you have to really step back from life to look at it. See Where you’re going and who you’re becoming. See if it’s all worth it. I thing the best thing that i ever did was step back. See who i was and who i knew i could become. It’s easier said then done i know. But life is something that you only get to do onces. 

One shot no retakes no rewinding back the clock. Onces it’s done it’s done and there isn’t much anyone can do about it. It’s sad to think that some people really don’t care how they live their lives. They don’t care who they mess up as long as they get to the road they want to take. I feel like if i’m going to live my life I wanna do it right.

I want to love and I want to cry, I want to lose and i want to win. I want to learn from all my mistakes and I want to make new ones so that i can learn some more. If I only get one shot I want to give it all I got. I want to give and I want to take from my life and the people around me. I want to let the clock tick and live my life so fully that I never onces hear it. But i think you can only do that if you take the time to take that step back and see. 

Live life likes it’s a gift. Not like it was owed to you. 

rant

I can’t stop thinking about how unfair the world seems to be. How the people that less deserves the worst always seem to end up with it one way or another. I just can’t wrap my head around it no matter how hard I try. There are so many people like you, good,kind hearted, full of love. So many people that deserve so many better things and might never get them. 

I feel like the worst part about losing you is I didn’t really ever think I would need to say good bye. I never thought that for one moment things would turn out the way they did. you where just a wonderful person. You really where one of a kind. That is why I still can’t believe it. That’s why I still sometimes cry.

In my head I think that I’m gonna be able to text you. Make a joke or two and then get to wish you well. But in my heart I know it’s not true, and I don’t think I really want to admit that. You where one of the people that really believed in me, someone who thought I was a good person, regardless of all my passed mistakes. I know I didn’t know you for years, but It was like I new you all my life. I miss you. But I hope that I’ll get to see you one day again.

So since I couldn’t say it then, good bye my dear friend.