Through my eyes

Vanity

When did people become so vain? When did how you look in the mirror become more important than who you are? Everything has just gotten so twisted. Things that use to have meaning don’t and the meaningless are now what we strive for. How is it in a world so big and complex we all became so simple minded. Thinking simply became too hard, right out obscure for the human condition. Now it doesn’t much matter who you are. But where you’re from and what you look like. As if beauty cannot birth the ignoramus. I was made for a different time a different place. When did someone else get right to tell me what beauty is? When did it become rule that I look at my reflection everywhere I go? Because if I cannot prime and prod at myself I am just not worth much of anything to anyone and maybe the most important question of all. When did everyone amuse that I would think their opinion of me would count more than that of my own?  Vanity isn’t seeing real beauty.  It is missing out on it. Never being able to see pass your reflection.

Fear is a funny thing it has a way of eating at you. Decaying any thought of action from you head completely. I never was so scared in my life. The whole try mouth, stomach crapped, want to yell matter all at once! All I want to do it freak out and run away because maybe if I do this feeling will not have a chance to eat away at me. My hands are shaking and my heart is beating so fast that I don’t know what to do. Time seems to have stop and I am not sure whether or not to be happy or anxious for when it starts up again. I am laughing out loud to myself as if I am mad! I am making weird noises as if they will help calm me. But the feeling is still inside of my stomach. Like being swung to high! The butterflies desperately want to escape my stomach. Yet they can’t seem to find their way out! I can’t keep out with my own thoughts! People keep asking me if I am okay but all I can squeak out is “YES!” I’m not! It’s a lie! I am totally not use to this feeling! I don’t like it! I guess it’s the not knowing of the outcome. It’s the unknown that maybe freaks me out the most. Like what will come of the day? When will the fear of it all subside? Do people usually freak out like this? Or is this not the norm? Wouldn’t surprise me really, Oh god the clock strike 1:45and my heart seems to finally stop. I can hear each tick that only confirms the moving of time! It’s like all of a sudden I have the power to feel all my nerves. Every inch of them working against me and let me tell you I don’t enjoy them one bit.1:50! Tick Tick Tick. There it goes again.

I love old people. The whole I don’t give a fuck attitude. The way they walk and the way they talk like filters just seem to decay as time goes on. There is nothing an old person can say to you that won’t about make you piss your pants. I love it! It’s like going back to childhood. Where you said things because you thought them and you put on clothes because you had to. It wasn’t a fashion trend. It was just what you did because you had to. If one sock was green and the other was red oh well. If you had striped pants but a poke dot shirt on, so be it. You where young and all that was off about you made you freaking adorable. The same thing does for old people. It just is really cute! It makes me want to be old. I can’t wait to say outlandish things to people and just smile and know everyone will just brush me off. Or demanding that a young person gives me a sit on the bus because of my fragile façade that would be clearly illustrated by my choice of dress. I cannot wait for the over explanation the repetitious story telling. It all excites me to no end! Getting old no older scares me, thanks to Pat!

I keep telling myself this isn’t my life. Like if I tell myself this enough times something will change, but I know that isn’t how it works out. I try very hard to be that person that I want to be but somehow I always fall a little short. It’s not just in one aspect, but in all really. It’s just funny how no one else seems to notice but me. I mean don’t get me wrong I am glad my flaws seem to slip through the cracks. Before that was good enough for me though, to just barely make it unnoticed, untouched by the eyes of others. I had no will to change to it and as far as I knew my flaws where what made me funny little me. Now I am not so sure. Most days I don’t even think about what I have to do to become who I want to be. Sometimes I am so busy that I feel like I never even think pass what I have to do in the now. But becoming someone, well doesn’t that take some planning? Planning isn’t a skill that I have mastered. I can rarely plan what I where in the morning, Let alone my whole future. I don’t know which is worst. The fact that right now I know I want one, or that it seems so out of my reach. It’s going to take way more than just slipping through cracks. And now that I take a moment to think about it, it scares the crap out of me. What if I try and I can’t get where I need to go? What if I was scared for so long that I just lost my turn? What if we all really only get one chance and if we don’t take that leap however scary it is we just lose it forever. I don’t really know how life works but from what I gathered it doesn’t seem too fair. Leap or fall. Seems to be the only option that we have, reach out too late and you might just keep slipping through the same cracks. Oh, to know all that I know now.  To be able to go back and be a kid and to have the chances that I missed, I swear I would do it differently. I miss being a child and all that it comes with. When it meant that no messes went unclean. You weren’t the person worried about slipping or braking or going so far that there was really no recovery. All that was done for you by someone else that every person holding your hand until one day they just let go without warning. Not because they want to but because they have to. That’s usually when you find out that you aren’t unbreakable. And that if you but leapt hard enough you might just fall down short. No hand holding or coddling to make you feel safe. Such is life I guess.  

engraved

Have you ever had someone engraved in your memory. Someone you didn’t want there? Someone you wish you could just erase from your mind all together. Every word ever spoken, every kiss, every smile. Anything that would send a sharp pain to your heart when you thought of it? So that when you told people you where over it, well that you really where? I know in time this has to change. But in the moment it just feel like too much! 

Engraved, printed right in to my heart. How horrible is that? worst of all, is that I wonder if he ever thinks or me. If even one memory is printed deep. or is he just going on about his life with no cares in the world? And yet that thought saddens me the most. To think that he meant more to me then I did to him.

I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. That in time things wont hurt so much. To know that when he finally thinks of me, it will be too late. 

I’m totally crazy! I know! 

No one likes to lose. Everyone talks about the lessons that you can learn from it. About how you should remember what was gained and not dwell on what you can not get back. And while the lessons are good ones. I can not help but think “Who are we kidding?” Sometimes losing is something no lesson can prepare you for. 

As I sit here and watch them cry. As I listen to everyone telling themselves it is better this way. As people laugh over what was and what will be. I still can’t help but focus on her. Her face. Her tears. Sometimes when you lose, you do lose your world. Sometimes the sky falls on you. And the weight of the world really does land on your shoulders. What’s worst is sometimes when it happens you are left alone. 

No lesson can really ready a person for that. No one can really help you. They can feel the pain, Some how people just connect with losing. Everyone at some point knows the feeling of loving and losing. Maybe not losing that love in the same way. But We all have shed tears. 

Yet the worst of all realization, is that sometimes when you lose you won’t be okay at the end. Sometimes you can really lose everything. Their isn’t light at the end of the tunnel. No happy ending. Sometimes really good people end up losing what they want to keep so badly. Sometimes it’s the only thing they would ever ask for if given a wish. They can’t do anything but watch themselves lose what they want to hold on to. But somewhere along the lines it just slips away.

Learning about losing. I don’t really think you can. Until you feel how I feel. until that sky falls, Until the world crashes down on you. Until then losing is just a badly painted picture for you, A lesson you never want to learn.